There was this one time, we were out on Halloween, and we were a few towns over at a haunted house. It was cold, so of course we were holding hands. We sped up, and I had mace in my hand — but then we heard breaking glass. The group was crossing the street, and one of the guys had a broken beer bottle in his hand. My girlfriend and I sprinted to the train station in heels, and they were chasing us the whole way. Wellesley is completely different from non-Wellesley, though. I like going on dates — I like meeting people like that.
But I go on a lot of dates from Tinder. I was seeing a guy, and we met through a mutual friend of ours. Michigan is a really big party school, so basically there are house parties whenever you want. In my experience, hooking up has led to going on dates. Even though I would prefer to have a relationship with someone, hooking up is more accessible and less risky emotionally. Hooking up is easier in that sense.
I felt like a minority within a minority. I came to this school and noticed that there were only white men on these apps, and they all seemed to know each other.
When I got messaged by other non-white people, they were the ones who actually wanted to have conversations with me and not just talk about having sex. There was a very strong white gay hook-up culture, and it seemed like white people only wanted to date white people, and hook up with white people, so that was hard at first. By the time junior year started, I tried to get myself out of my shell.
When we were initially messaging on Grindr, we thought it was just going to be a hook-up. What I think a lot of people tend to forget is that there are minorities within minorities. I really prefer dating over just hooking up. I ended up dating one of my close friends. We met in our residence hall right at the beginning of first year, and I thought she was really cool.
Revert back to points 1 and 2. As gay men we grow up hiding parts of ourselves because gay still is considered different, and in a lot of places, bad. We feel like we have to hide a part of ourselves everyday for many formative years, which means we are neglecting other parts of ourselves that should be receiving precious energy. So when we finally do come out, we often confuse this as dealing with our issues, when in fact, this is just the beginning to dealing with what our issues really are.
Because we held back from being authentically ourselves for most of our adolescence and the beginning of our adult lives, we get a chance to do it all over when we come out. The cherry on top of all of this, is that this usually happens in a big city, or at least some place bigger than the hometown we grew up in, where excess is welcomed.
The question is, when is enough enough? Gay men are beyond picky, and we feel like we can be because with social media the pool of possibilities feels endless.
We are men with egos, and we strive to be the best at everything we do because it was something we learned as closeted children. However, this tends to lead to us having crazy expectations for ourselves, and therefore our mates as well. Everyone is supposed to look like a model, have an Adonis body, be super successful, like everything we like, and fit the molds we've created that no one can ever actually live up to.
Dreamboat is ready.
His ego is hurt. Add to the fact that gays often date with the seasons, and half the year is either thought of as warm single, and often slutty season, or as a cold cuddling more relationship based time of the year.
We forget that we are still animals, and like our furry friends, our bodies change with the tides and seasons in a very natural way. However, gay men are quick to use the seasons as an excuse to why we are "allowed" to behave in certain ways. We aren't definitely going to have kids, which is why most heterosexual people start to couple up and settle down.
If you want to meet gay people for friendships, then it's a matter of being open to new experiences. You can meet gay people through your existing social. 10 Common Gay Dating Obstacles (and How to Overcome Them) You become worried about what you can and can't post to social media. Similarly, if one of you is in college, and the other one is the CEO of a company.
And even today straight couples are waiting longer and longer to have children. However, even when we do couple up, the way in which we operate as couples is quite different than straight couples. Add to the fact that a lot of our friends are single, and it becomes almost more normal to be single in the gay world than in a healthy relationship. We even joke that gay years are like dog years for relationships. And for better or worse, the second something starts to go sour, we have reminders that there are men everywhere.
Our social circles are full of these perpetual bachelors, who appear to enjoy their singledom, and constantly question why we are looking to settle down. We all have a friend or two, who claims to love being single, but through candid conversations it become apparent he isn't addressing his deeper wounds from past loves and life. These single gay friends come with their own baggage, and will often project that we too need to sow our wild oats.
Getting married wasn't an option for our community until very recently, so commitment from a legal standpoint was actually far from a lot of our minds. This in some subconscious way made us less serious when it came to dating. It's easier to just keep reverting back to all the other points that making dating hard than it is to try and work on something with someone we thought we really liked.
Dating is hard, being in a couple is hard, but it shouldn't be this hard, right? We let our minds drift, we make assumptions, and half the time we aren't even communicating how we are feeling with our partners. Yes, not all of us are jealous, or at least to an unhealthy point, but going back to issues of shame and insecurity that stem from our youth, we often have a hard time trusting that we are good enough.
From this destructive flaw we then end up projecting our neuroses onto our partners, and find ourselves jealous for no reason. Even if we are lucky enough to find someone special and start dating, jealousy can creep within the relationship. Mix in a lack of communication, which as men we are more likely to be bad at, and it's a recipe for disaster. While it can feel like dating, and ultimately finding someone amazing is impossible in the gay world, we have to remain optimistic if we really do want to find someone.
Now more than ever, strong committed gay couples exist in public spheres, which means there are examples of what we can have.
I've been on many first dates sealed with sex at the end of the night. I'm so tired of going on one date with a guy and then he thinks we are an item. But try not to make assumptions about your new hallmates. Always follow these safety tips before meeting an online buddy in person. I became more and more eager to find a man before I met my first boyfriend.
We need to stop perpetuating the idea that all the good ones are either taken, straight, or live far away.